Supporting Behaviour

There are lots of possible reasons for difficult behaviour in young children. Quite often it's because they're tired, hungry, overexcited, frustrated or bored. If difficult behaviour is causing you or your child distress, or upsetting the rest of the family, it's important to try to deal with it.

Set boundaries

Children need to know what their boundaries are so set clear precise boundaries that you all understand. What you do has to be right for your child, yourself and the whole family. If you do something you don't believe in or that you feel isn’t right, it probably won't work. Children notice when you don't mean what you're saying and may well push the boundaries more.

Be consistent

Once you've decided to do something, continue to do it even if it feels tough at first. Solutions take time to work. Try not to give into tantrums. If you can, get support from your partner, friends and family member.  It's always good to have someone to talk to about what you're doing and to realise you’re not the only one dealing with such issues!

Children need consistency and clear boundaries. If you react to your child's behaviour in one way one day and a different way the next, it's confusing for them.

Try to stay calm

This isn’t always easy! When your child does something that they shouldn’t be doing your anger and frustration can build up.

It's impossible not to show your irritation sometimes, but try to stay calm. Move on to other things you and your child can enjoy together or feel good about as soon as possible. Try not to hold on to your feelings if you do feel angry by finding other ways to cope with your frustration, like talking to other parents.

Communication

Explaining to your child why you need them to do something can help them understand. For example, explain why you want them to hold your hand while crossing the road or why it is important they wash their hands after going to the toilet.

It is also important to encourage them to try and explain why they're angry or upset about something. This will help them feel less frustrated and will encourage them to talk to you rather than behaving inappropriately.

Be positive when your child is behaving appropriately

When a child's behaviour is difficult, the things they do well can often be overlooked. Tell your child when you're pleased about something they've done. You can let your child know when you're pleased by giving them attention, a hug or a smile or even small rewards such as a sticker.

You can help your child by rewarding them for behaving well. For example, praise them or give them their favourite food for tea. Make a point of telling them why so they can see they have been rewarded for behaving well. This will hopefully encourage them to behave well again in the future.

If your child behaves well, tell them how pleased you are. Be specific. Say something like, "Well done for putting your toys back in the box when I asked you to."

Tell them that you are proud of them when they have done something that they more normally avoid doing.

As tempting as it is, try not to give your child a reward before they've done what they were asked to do. That's a bribe, not a reward!

Avoid physical discipline

Smacking may stop a child doing what they're doing at that moment, but it doesn't have a lasting positive effect.

Children learn by example so, if you hit your child, you're telling them that hitting is OK. Children who are treated aggressively by their parents are more likely to be aggressive themselves. It's better to set a good example instead.

Things that can affect your child's behaviour

• Life changes – any change in a child's life can be difficult for them. This could be the birth of a new baby, moving house, a change of childminder, starting playgroup or something much smaller.
• You're having a difficult time – children are quick to notice if you're feeling upset or there are problems in the family. They may behave badly when you feel least able to cope. If you're having problems don't blame yourself, but don't blame your child either if they react with difficult behaviour. Try and get help from someone to support your needs.
• How you've handled difficult behaviour before – sometimes your child may react in a particular way because of how you've handled a problem in the past. For example, if you've given your child sweets to keep them quiet at the shops, they may expect sweets every time you go there.   
• Needing attention – your child might see a tantrum as a way of getting attention, even if it's bad attention. They may wake up at night because they want a cuddle or some company. Try to give them more attention when they're behaving well and less when they're being difficult.

• Try not to give yourself a hard time!

  Parenting is tough for everyone at times and no child behaves perfectly all the time! We all make mistakes when it comes to dealing with challenging behaviour and it’s important not to dwell on this but to try and learn for next time. 

   

  Extra help with difficult behaviour

  Don't feel you have to cope alone. If you're struggling with your child's behaviour:

• talk to your health visitor or school nurse – they will be happy to support you and suggest some new strategies to try
• visit the Family Lives website for parenting advice and support, or phone their free parents' helpline on 0808 800 2222
• download the NSPCC's guide to positive parenting or call their free helpline on 0808 800 5000